How to Help Someone Change

Think of a person in your life that you would really like to change. Is it your spouse, or parent? Is it your child? Maybe it is a friend.  Regardless, I know that no one can say that there isn't someone you wouldnt mind changing- even just a little.

Change is hard, and some people even believe it can't happen. What do you believe? Can a person permanently change?

Changing another person is even harder.  Moreover, its practically impossible in most cases. I can't even tell you how many times I have heard people say to me "If only he would...." We are so quick to BLAME others for problems in our own life.

So, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Ok, I'll give you the good news first:  You can help someone change.

Now, the bad news: It may require you to do some work.

So people exist in systems. Which means that a person does not exist outside of a community.  Community being defined as the people or livings things that exist with or around a person. Your community may look like:

 A.) you and a cat

B.) Family: "Happy holidays from The Tannenbaum's!"

C.) Friends that you have loved since good ol' days and globe trot with. 

You get my point right? It does not matter who/what it is, you have a system. (If you are living on a deserted island with only a volleyball for a friend, then you can stop reading now. If thats not you, then keep going- this really does apply to you.)

Getting a person to change a behavior, requires you to actually take a moment and examine the behavioral interactions. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (ha)

This old psychology guy figured out that a dog can predict behaviors by picking up on cues and EXPECTING a sequence of events to occur and recur.

Do you live your life expecting someone to act a certain way? Are you tired of your mother in law passive aggressively complaining about you? Are you sick of your child pimping you out for "stuff." Do you continually assume your mate is headed down that same awful road, again?

Lets take a classic example, the enabling parent/child relationship.  If a parent bails a kid out over and over again, the child learns to EXPECT that the parents won't allow natural and uncomfortable consequences to occur, therefore placing the responsibility BACK onto the parent. Before you experienced parents get your pantiesinabunch, I know tough love is hard, and not always appropriate. You have to use some judgement and consider when it might be a useful tool for a child who is learning life skills.  Denying a child, or anyone for that matter something they really want, can end up making you LOOK LIKE the bad guy. But, the truth is that you can't always be the good guy. Being the bad guy does not mean you don't love someone, it just means you have limits.

So, when does "helping" turn into enabling? And if you are sick and tired of fixing your kids ( or your spouses, or your co-workers) problems, the why not pass the ball back.

(hint: ball back in their court)

• Your child only seems to love you when you buy them something: put away the credit card and dive back into the relationship. 
• Your husband won't stop yelling at you when he is stressed out: walk away until he calms down.
• Your toddler demands you rock him to sleep: help him learn to self-soothe through controlled crying. 
• You are burned out and can't take on another project at work: say no when asked to do the next extra thing. 
• Your friend seems to call you when she needs something, but you can't find her when you are in need: tell her how you feel and ask for a change.

Bottom line: we can't change people, but we can change ourselves so that a problem cannot be maintained. It takes some courage, and the ability to tolerate some negative emotion from the person whom you may be disappointing. You may surprise people with your changes, but they will have no choice but to adjust their own behaviors. It's not about manipulating for the sake of being tricky, its about taking control over what you can and making changes for yourself. 

Find your voice, draw your boundaries and watch what happens. 

What We Say Isn't Always What We Mean

When a couple shows up in my office for their first session they usually look like this:

9 times out of 10 the couple reports that "communication" is a major problem in their relationship. I hear things like: "we just don't see eye to eye..." or "I have no idea what to do with what she says." or "I can't deal with the crying..." or "Why won't he talk to me?"

This can be a really frustrating issue and over time slowly erodes their relationship. It's a problem that requires attention, maintenance and most importantly: understanding. If left unattended a rogue communication problem will result in someone who eventually resembles:

This may show up on the outside, or stay stuffed on the inside. Either way, its bad.

Lets review two basic things we take for granted:
1. We live in a state of perpetual communication.  Look around you right now. If you see another human, observe them for a second and see if they are "telling" you anything.

2. As humans we have three main methods of communication:
  
Talking. In person, or on the phone.  Remember these phones?

Body language. The way we posture our bodies tells others what we are usually thinking but not saying. What is Bella saying in this picture?

Situations. This one is more abstract, but we allow ourselves to participate in situations that communicate information to other people. This picture is sad, but illustrates my point.  Some adult brought this child to eat food that is unhealthy.  Therefore, the adult is communicating to the child any number of things (such as)  "I will give you whatever you want" or "I don't really care about your health as much as I enjoy trying to satisfy your appetite"

So, in light of knowing that we communicate in words, body language and situations. Communication problems between two people are far more complex than the he said/she said stuff.

When you are having relationship problems because you can't seem to actually have a productive conversation, Realize: One thing is said, but another thing is heard.  The problem isn't that two people can't communicate.... its that they don't understand the other persons code!

This thing actually has a name, and its call Meta Communication. In other words, what people say or do has meaning on different levels.

Think about the relationships in your life. Can you think of a person who you really struggle to communicate with? Maybe it's your spouse (I'm raising my own hand right now!), or maybe a parent, child or friend.

When a relationship is complex, things said between two people sometimes feel like hidden messages, and this can be a huge source of emotional pain.

Hidden message are occasionally intentional, but are usually unintentional. A great example of this can be found in the topic of parenting using shame. Imagine this (thank you www.shitmykidsruined.com):

A parent finds this child and the mess and yells "YOU ARE A BAD GIRL FOR THIS" The parent meant that the action was bad, but the child hears that they (as a person) are bad.  These kinds of wounds add up, and VOILA! everyone becomes isolated, frustrated and sad.   womp womp.

Heres the good news: with some savy new skills, you can correct many of these mistakes on your own- no therapist needed!

Here are four simple tips:

1. Don't assume anything.

ASK if what you are hearing is what they mean. Before you expend emotional energy, clarify if you are hearing their message in the intended way.

2. Stop yelling and slow down the pace of the conversation

Yelling rarely ends well. Fast yelling is worse. Fight fairly, don't say stuff just to hurt the other person. Even if you think you are justified in "repaying" the hurt they caused you or you hurt them in efforts to show them how much they hurt you, control yourself. It really is unhelpful. Take breaks. Break up really hard conversations into smaller pieces. And PLEASE don't hash it out late at night. No fighting past 11 pm!

3. Be an active listener

Listen closely, repeat back what you think you heard. Give eye contact. Test your understanding. Look interested.

4. Put aside your defensiveness and/or bad attitude.

Bad attitudes suck, and inhibit progress. Choose to rise above the self indulgence of negativity. The End.

The purpose of defensiveness is to protect yourself. However, your wall will block things coming in, and also things coming out. Defensiveness occurs when a person feels vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to real emotional intimacy. Intimacy is a fear filled topic for many many people. In summary, being defensive blocks the ways a person needs to hear and give clear communication.

So, what you say through words, body language or situations provides a constant flow of information that other people pick up and interpret. If you want to improve your communication with another person keep in mind the four tips above. And most importantly, remember that communication takes practice...you won't get it right all the time, but it's a solvable problem. With an open mind, and a humbled spirit, you can improve the way you deliver and receive messages to the people around you.