How to Help Someone Change

Think of a person in your life that you would really like to change. Is it your spouse, or parent? Is it your child? Maybe it is a friend.  Regardless, I know that no one can say that there isn't someone you wouldnt mind changing- even just a little.

Change is hard, and some people even believe it can't happen. What do you believe? Can a person permanently change?

Changing another person is even harder.  Moreover, its practically impossible in most cases. I can't even tell you how many times I have heard people say to me "If only he would...." We are so quick to BLAME others for problems in our own life.

So, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Ok, I'll give you the good news first:  You can help someone change.

Now, the bad news: It may require you to do some work.

So people exist in systems. Which means that a person does not exist outside of a community.  Community being defined as the people or livings things that exist with or around a person. Your community may look like:

 A.) you and a cat

B.) Family: "Happy holidays from The Tannenbaum's!"

C.) Friends that you have loved since good ol' days and globe trot with. 

You get my point right? It does not matter who/what it is, you have a system. (If you are living on a deserted island with only a volleyball for a friend, then you can stop reading now. If thats not you, then keep going- this really does apply to you.)

Getting a person to change a behavior, requires you to actually take a moment and examine the behavioral interactions. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (ha)

This old psychology guy figured out that a dog can predict behaviors by picking up on cues and EXPECTING a sequence of events to occur and recur.

Do you live your life expecting someone to act a certain way? Are you tired of your mother in law passive aggressively complaining about you? Are you sick of your child pimping you out for "stuff." Do you continually assume your mate is headed down that same awful road, again?

Lets take a classic example, the enabling parent/child relationship.  If a parent bails a kid out over and over again, the child learns to EXPECT that the parents won't allow natural and uncomfortable consequences to occur, therefore placing the responsibility BACK onto the parent. Before you experienced parents get your pantiesinabunch, I know tough love is hard, and not always appropriate. You have to use some judgement and consider when it might be a useful tool for a child who is learning life skills.  Denying a child, or anyone for that matter something they really want, can end up making you LOOK LIKE the bad guy. But, the truth is that you can't always be the good guy. Being the bad guy does not mean you don't love someone, it just means you have limits.

So, when does "helping" turn into enabling? And if you are sick and tired of fixing your kids ( or your spouses, or your co-workers) problems, the why not pass the ball back.

(hint: ball back in their court)

• Your child only seems to love you when you buy them something: put away the credit card and dive back into the relationship. 
• Your husband won't stop yelling at you when he is stressed out: walk away until he calms down.
• Your toddler demands you rock him to sleep: help him learn to self-soothe through controlled crying. 
• You are burned out and can't take on another project at work: say no when asked to do the next extra thing. 
• Your friend seems to call you when she needs something, but you can't find her when you are in need: tell her how you feel and ask for a change.

Bottom line: we can't change people, but we can change ourselves so that a problem cannot be maintained. It takes some courage, and the ability to tolerate some negative emotion from the person whom you may be disappointing. You may surprise people with your changes, but they will have no choice but to adjust their own behaviors. It's not about manipulating for the sake of being tricky, its about taking control over what you can and making changes for yourself. 

Find your voice, draw your boundaries and watch what happens.