What We Say Isn't Always What We Mean

When a couple shows up in my office for their first session they usually look like this:

9 times out of 10 the couple reports that "communication" is a major problem in their relationship. I hear things like: "we just don't see eye to eye..." or "I have no idea what to do with what she says." or "I can't deal with the crying..." or "Why won't he talk to me?"

This can be a really frustrating issue and over time slowly erodes their relationship. It's a problem that requires attention, maintenance and most importantly: understanding. If left unattended a rogue communication problem will result in someone who eventually resembles:

This may show up on the outside, or stay stuffed on the inside. Either way, its bad.

Lets review two basic things we take for granted:
1. We live in a state of perpetual communication.  Look around you right now. If you see another human, observe them for a second and see if they are "telling" you anything.

2. As humans we have three main methods of communication:
  
Talking. In person, or on the phone.  Remember these phones?

Body language. The way we posture our bodies tells others what we are usually thinking but not saying. What is Bella saying in this picture?

Situations. This one is more abstract, but we allow ourselves to participate in situations that communicate information to other people. This picture is sad, but illustrates my point.  Some adult brought this child to eat food that is unhealthy.  Therefore, the adult is communicating to the child any number of things (such as)  "I will give you whatever you want" or "I don't really care about your health as much as I enjoy trying to satisfy your appetite"

So, in light of knowing that we communicate in words, body language and situations. Communication problems between two people are far more complex than the he said/she said stuff.

When you are having relationship problems because you can't seem to actually have a productive conversation, Realize: One thing is said, but another thing is heard.  The problem isn't that two people can't communicate.... its that they don't understand the other persons code!

This thing actually has a name, and its call Meta Communication. In other words, what people say or do has meaning on different levels.

Think about the relationships in your life. Can you think of a person who you really struggle to communicate with? Maybe it's your spouse (I'm raising my own hand right now!), or maybe a parent, child or friend.

When a relationship is complex, things said between two people sometimes feel like hidden messages, and this can be a huge source of emotional pain.

Hidden message are occasionally intentional, but are usually unintentional. A great example of this can be found in the topic of parenting using shame. Imagine this (thank you www.shitmykidsruined.com):

A parent finds this child and the mess and yells "YOU ARE A BAD GIRL FOR THIS" The parent meant that the action was bad, but the child hears that they (as a person) are bad.  These kinds of wounds add up, and VOILA! everyone becomes isolated, frustrated and sad.   womp womp.

Heres the good news: with some savy new skills, you can correct many of these mistakes on your own- no therapist needed!

Here are four simple tips:

1. Don't assume anything.

ASK if what you are hearing is what they mean. Before you expend emotional energy, clarify if you are hearing their message in the intended way.

2. Stop yelling and slow down the pace of the conversation

Yelling rarely ends well. Fast yelling is worse. Fight fairly, don't say stuff just to hurt the other person. Even if you think you are justified in "repaying" the hurt they caused you or you hurt them in efforts to show them how much they hurt you, control yourself. It really is unhelpful. Take breaks. Break up really hard conversations into smaller pieces. And PLEASE don't hash it out late at night. No fighting past 11 pm!

3. Be an active listener

Listen closely, repeat back what you think you heard. Give eye contact. Test your understanding. Look interested.

4. Put aside your defensiveness and/or bad attitude.

Bad attitudes suck, and inhibit progress. Choose to rise above the self indulgence of negativity. The End.

The purpose of defensiveness is to protect yourself. However, your wall will block things coming in, and also things coming out. Defensiveness occurs when a person feels vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to real emotional intimacy. Intimacy is a fear filled topic for many many people. In summary, being defensive blocks the ways a person needs to hear and give clear communication.

So, what you say through words, body language or situations provides a constant flow of information that other people pick up and interpret. If you want to improve your communication with another person keep in mind the four tips above. And most importantly, remember that communication takes practice...you won't get it right all the time, but it's a solvable problem. With an open mind, and a humbled spirit, you can improve the way you deliver and receive messages to the people around you.