The GOOD ENOUGH Mother

In case you don't have personal experience, I'd like to personally announce that parenthood is really really hard. Some days suck. Some days are really amazing.  Glad we cleared that up.

When you bring home a baby, undoubtedly you say to yourself or your partner... "GEE, if only there was an owners manual for this this tiny little human whom I brought into existence... then all would be right in the world."

Fortunately or maybe unfortunately, each one of us does actually come with some preinstalled parenting software.

You may want to sit down, because JUSTINCASE this is news to you, your manual was actually installed by your very own mother/father/media/whomever raised you.   you still breathing? (just checking..)

So, when the infants cry all night long

and the toddlers cover themselves in food day after day

The  kids whine "I want it and I want it now!"

The teenagers scream "I hate you! This house is a *&#$! prison!.. but first could you drive me and Sally to the mall?" 

 and the college kids call to inform you that they are "having so much fun at college!"

You may think to yourself "where have I gone wrong?"  or "Am I a good parent?" 

Personally, I've only been a parent for about 700 days, so I'm relatively new still but I may have asked myself this question about half of these days.

There is a psychological concept actually called "The Good Enough Mother." This was developed from Donald Winnicott a British physician later turned psychiatrist whose prime was in the days of psychoanalysis  (Think Freud: lie on the couch and tell me all your dreams time frame). Note: this is a complicated topic, but for reading enjoyment I will summarize and simplify the factors involved. People have written decades long research and dissertations on this topic... I will not be doing that today.

The good enough Mother adapts and responds to the child's needs, thus teaching the child that he/she has some sense of control over their caregiver, which eventually builds comfort and trust of the mother. Feminist psychologists step in here and say that a child becomes attached to the the breast more than the mother. Side Note: A long time ago, when Enfamil didn't make cute yellow topped tins of formula decorated with tiny teddy bears, the death/loss of a mother actually often resulted in death to an infant. See: Maternal Deprivation.

but I digress...

So the interactions between mother and child really do matter, they teach us how to respond and what to expect of the world around us. It turns out that if you actually are:

you might be modeling irrational and impossible behaviors that could confuse them into thinking that their imperfections make them not good enough, or even unlovable.  Hello, shame. How I havenot missed you.


In other words, your failure to adapt to every single need of your child actually builds independence and adaptation to the reality that the world is a harsh place. Failure = Good.  that feels so wierd, I know. 

A good enough mother meets her child's needs but BALANCES her response to the child (in age appropriate ways, duh). She does not run herself ragged trying to perform well enough for love and acceptance from her kids or spouse. She makes mistakes, she apologizes. She has emotions, she works hard. She is real.  So when the going gets tough and you wonder if you are good enough. Give yourself a break. You are.

Teaching our kids that we are real and not just robotic June Cleavers is what is really important because after all, we're not raising kids, we're actually raising adults.