Grief: Good, Bad and Ugly.

this post isn't filled with humor... sorry, readers! if you feel especially emotional today, grab a tissue- justincase.

Grief is a topic that I seem to encounter with many people about a variety of topics. Grief crosses cultural and social boundaries.

Your own grief experience could be attached to losing someone to death, but grief also comes from the deep wounds and big disappointments of life. Maybe it was marriage that didn't work, or a job that didn't pan out. Maybe it was a chronic illness or a baby that you couldn't have. Maybe you have a parent that just didn't do what he or she should have. Maybe you grieve your own personal limitations, and hate to accept what won't ever change.

Regardless of your circumstances, grief is a universal experience. It can vary in its intensity, but its always a response to loss.

Have you heard of the five stages of grief?  In case you have not been to Psych101 lately,  the stages  are:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

The inventor of this theory is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She wrote a really famous book "On death and Dying" published in 1969.

She worked with people who were dying and observed how they dealt with the reality of their fate. This framework is about how people LIVE admist LOSS. Which, I think is really important to remember.  Because in the face of tragedy, you actually only have two choices: live or die. Usually, people choose life, which leaves them facing loss on a daily basis.

Some interesting facts about grief: Animals have been observed showing behaviors related to death, like staying with a deceased member of their pack or herd. Primates often carry their dead offspring for a short time.  The picture below is a mother gorilla, inspecting her 3 month old baby who died suddenly.  And If you are a glutton for punishment and momentarily embracing some cathartic depression, you can read the rest of the story HERE. warning: It's really sad.

Also, there is lots of research that show how people's brains respond when prompted with grief inducing stimuli (like words or pictures).  PET scans show electrical activity in different parts of the brain, showing us that words, images and thoughts activate areas in the brain responsible for our feelings. The picture below is not a PET scan picture of grief but an excellent PET scan comparison of a depressed and not depressed brain. Notice how only three areas of the brain are "lit" up on the depressed brain.

So...grief is not just some random bunch of terrible feelings, it is biologically driven and supported by our brains. 

Lets transition and discuss the actual experience of grief. While there are stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) these labels are not meant as a structured script. The only very fixed stage is acceptance, which is usually experienced last, but the four other stages can rise up even after you have accepted your circumstance. The four stages (denial, anger, bargaining and depression) are often experienced in the order that they are listed but its common for people to go back and forth between them, shuffling between the emotions as they progress through grief. 

Denial

That's right. It's not just a river in Egypt, but it is a living defense mechanism we use to protect ourselves. Denying the facts of reality protect us from the negative emotions that we experience as we face loss. When fully entrenched in denial, life can seem confusing and overwhelming. You may feel nothing at all, again, a way to resist the awfulness of your reality.  Denial helps pace our feelings of grief, and it is a way we give ourselves grace. Your heart can only handle so much, so you only allow so much to be felt. 

Anger

This is an intense picture, but a good representation of anger. All those feelings that denial was containing rise to the surface during anger. Historically, anger is often viewed as an inappropriate emotion. Lies.  

Public Service Announcement: Acting out in anger is not good, and feeling anger is not bad. 

Anger is necessary, and it can be a form of strength. Be willing to feel your anger, even if it scares you a little. If you accept it, it will fade. If you resist it, it will build. Simple to say, but difficult to do. Anger can extend across people and situations and you may feel angry with God. 

The truth about anger is that it's a 3 dimensional emotion. You first notice the anger, but underneath is a complex web of intense feelings fueling the angry fire.  One of the most notable emotions linked with anger is pain. Pain is the universal emotional, connecting every human to each other. Your grief may be unique to you, but your feelings of pain are not. Even though society seems to fear anger, there is an even deeper fear of pain. What do you do with pain? What do you say to a person in active emotional pain? Pain allows for vulnerability, which again- many people are uncomfortable with. Embrace your pain, cry your tears. Stifling your emotion only leads to emotional frustration and internal chaos. 

Bargaining

Have you ever felt like this faceless little character?  I know I have. This phase is tricky because not all grievous experiences allow for bargaining. For example, if someone you love is dying a long painful death from cancer,  bargaining may be a big part of your process... you may have the time to strike up a deal with God. On the other hand, if a trauma occurs to you in a moment,  and it can't be changed or taken back, your bargaining may look more abstract.  In that case it might be like asking for emotional relief instead of a situational change. 

Bargaining can bring us into the maze of "If only I...." or "What if...." The bottom line is that we want life back to what it was before this thing happened to us and we felt the avalanche of grief. You may experience guilt in this phase. Guilt is, after all, a motivator for bargaining. Remember that when try to bargain, you are grasping for the removal of the negative emotion that you are feeling. You might just want it all (the situation and the feelings) to go away. This stage can last hours or days or years. Remember grief is not linear, and neither is bargaining.  

Depression

When we are no longer in denial and we accept that we can't strike up a bargain, we are forced to look grief in the eye. Emptiness arrives and we feel the grief deeply. When we are in the middle of it, it seems infinite. Keep in mind that situational depression is not necessary mental illness. A diagnosable depressive episode may have situational factors, but is usually organic in nature (i.e. involving brain chemicals, like Seratonin). Grief can certainly contribute to a clinical depression, but it is not an automatic thing. 

Depression looks like apathy; we don't feel the desire to do what we normally do. We withdraw from the world, in a fog of intense sadness, perhaps wondering... "what now?" Depression during grief should not be seen as a task to be fixed. Ask yourself if the situation you face is actually depressing. If the answer to that question is yes, then it would be unnatural to not be depressed.  Right? 

Depression should lessen over time but if it does not, you should always seek help from someone you trust or is trained to support you during this phase of your grief. 

Acceptance

I like this quote because of its emphasis on understanding as an important part of recovery. That's exactly the point of this long blog post.  It is critical to understand that as you accept where you are, you won't necessarily feel better. If something terrible happened to you, you may not ever feel "ok" about that thing.  But, that does not mean you can't ever feel ok about anything else.  

Acceptance within grief is really about accepting your new reality. You don't have to love it. But you have to learn to live with it.  We resist the hardship of grief through denial, anger and depression. But when we move towards acceptance, we acknowledge the facts, accept the feelings that go with it and choose to take the next step forward with our lives. 

Finding acceptance comes in bits and pieces at first. It might be a moment of hope, or an isolated laugh with a friend at first. It may mean having a few more good days than bad in the span of a week. Remember that you are not betraying the memory of your grief by having a good day! You can't change what happened to you, but you can change what will happen to you next. You can make new relationships, you can find new joy. 

If you are facing grief today, take a moment to think about where you are at. Notice your feelings, and give them the space to exist. Hear me saying to you, that you can live again despite what you have lost. This is just a season in your life, so be encouraged that these days filled with grief will eventually give way to days with joy. 

Give grief its time, and you will emerge stronger, having experienced a greater depth and breadth of life. 

Life has held me hostage...

Really, its been a ridiculously over scheduled spring for me and my family. Blogging is my hobby, and so like all hobbies, it often falls to the bottom of the list.  But, I wanted to share one fun detail with you guys about what my over scheduled life has included:

This is me (and my better half) after FINALLY walking across the graduation stage with my 6 sided Tam (silly looking hat) over sized sleeves, and velvet trimmed gown. The year I was supposed to walk, I was in a hospital bed with shiny new 4 pound and 5 pound newborns. Then, for the next year, I chose to nurse my children around the clock, making it difficult to finish my dissertation. I finally finished that 5 year project in 2010, but had to wait almost a whole year to don the regalia and shake the hand of our chancellor. It was a lot of waiting...but well worth it!

So, 11 years of education post high school, thousands of hours of training, and hundreds of thousands of school loan dollars is whats behind that picture from last week.

It's nothing short of a miracle that i finished it. I'm so grateful to my whole family who supported me in tangible ways daily. Though its cliche, I could not have done it without them.

I'm also happy to announce I will not be seeking any another degree. ever. thank you.

How to Help Someone Change

Think of a person in your life that you would really like to change. Is it your spouse, or parent? Is it your child? Maybe it is a friend.  Regardless, I know that no one can say that there isn't someone you wouldnt mind changing- even just a little.

Change is hard, and some people even believe it can't happen. What do you believe? Can a person permanently change?

Changing another person is even harder.  Moreover, its practically impossible in most cases. I can't even tell you how many times I have heard people say to me "If only he would...." We are so quick to BLAME others for problems in our own life.

So, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Ok, I'll give you the good news first:  You can help someone change.

Now, the bad news: It may require you to do some work.

So people exist in systems. Which means that a person does not exist outside of a community.  Community being defined as the people or livings things that exist with or around a person. Your community may look like:

 A.) you and a cat

B.) Family: "Happy holidays from The Tannenbaum's!"

C.) Friends that you have loved since good ol' days and globe trot with. 

You get my point right? It does not matter who/what it is, you have a system. (If you are living on a deserted island with only a volleyball for a friend, then you can stop reading now. If thats not you, then keep going- this really does apply to you.)

Getting a person to change a behavior, requires you to actually take a moment and examine the behavioral interactions. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (ha)

This old psychology guy figured out that a dog can predict behaviors by picking up on cues and EXPECTING a sequence of events to occur and recur.

Do you live your life expecting someone to act a certain way? Are you tired of your mother in law passive aggressively complaining about you? Are you sick of your child pimping you out for "stuff." Do you continually assume your mate is headed down that same awful road, again?

Lets take a classic example, the enabling parent/child relationship.  If a parent bails a kid out over and over again, the child learns to EXPECT that the parents won't allow natural and uncomfortable consequences to occur, therefore placing the responsibility BACK onto the parent. Before you experienced parents get your pantiesinabunch, I know tough love is hard, and not always appropriate. You have to use some judgement and consider when it might be a useful tool for a child who is learning life skills.  Denying a child, or anyone for that matter something they really want, can end up making you LOOK LIKE the bad guy. But, the truth is that you can't always be the good guy. Being the bad guy does not mean you don't love someone, it just means you have limits.

So, when does "helping" turn into enabling? And if you are sick and tired of fixing your kids ( or your spouses, or your co-workers) problems, the why not pass the ball back.

(hint: ball back in their court)

• Your child only seems to love you when you buy them something: put away the credit card and dive back into the relationship. 
• Your husband won't stop yelling at you when he is stressed out: walk away until he calms down.
• Your toddler demands you rock him to sleep: help him learn to self-soothe through controlled crying. 
• You are burned out and can't take on another project at work: say no when asked to do the next extra thing. 
• Your friend seems to call you when she needs something, but you can't find her when you are in need: tell her how you feel and ask for a change.

Bottom line: we can't change people, but we can change ourselves so that a problem cannot be maintained. It takes some courage, and the ability to tolerate some negative emotion from the person whom you may be disappointing. You may surprise people with your changes, but they will have no choice but to adjust their own behaviors. It's not about manipulating for the sake of being tricky, its about taking control over what you can and making changes for yourself. 

Find your voice, draw your boundaries and watch what happens. 

What We Say Isn't Always What We Mean

When a couple shows up in my office for their first session they usually look like this:

9 times out of 10 the couple reports that "communication" is a major problem in their relationship. I hear things like: "we just don't see eye to eye..." or "I have no idea what to do with what she says." or "I can't deal with the crying..." or "Why won't he talk to me?"

This can be a really frustrating issue and over time slowly erodes their relationship. It's a problem that requires attention, maintenance and most importantly: understanding. If left unattended a rogue communication problem will result in someone who eventually resembles:

This may show up on the outside, or stay stuffed on the inside. Either way, its bad.

Lets review two basic things we take for granted:
1. We live in a state of perpetual communication.  Look around you right now. If you see another human, observe them for a second and see if they are "telling" you anything.

2. As humans we have three main methods of communication:
  
Talking. In person, or on the phone.  Remember these phones?

Body language. The way we posture our bodies tells others what we are usually thinking but not saying. What is Bella saying in this picture?

Situations. This one is more abstract, but we allow ourselves to participate in situations that communicate information to other people. This picture is sad, but illustrates my point.  Some adult brought this child to eat food that is unhealthy.  Therefore, the adult is communicating to the child any number of things (such as)  "I will give you whatever you want" or "I don't really care about your health as much as I enjoy trying to satisfy your appetite"

So, in light of knowing that we communicate in words, body language and situations. Communication problems between two people are far more complex than the he said/she said stuff.

When you are having relationship problems because you can't seem to actually have a productive conversation, Realize: One thing is said, but another thing is heard.  The problem isn't that two people can't communicate.... its that they don't understand the other persons code!

This thing actually has a name, and its call Meta Communication. In other words, what people say or do has meaning on different levels.

Think about the relationships in your life. Can you think of a person who you really struggle to communicate with? Maybe it's your spouse (I'm raising my own hand right now!), or maybe a parent, child or friend.

When a relationship is complex, things said between two people sometimes feel like hidden messages, and this can be a huge source of emotional pain.

Hidden message are occasionally intentional, but are usually unintentional. A great example of this can be found in the topic of parenting using shame. Imagine this (thank you www.shitmykidsruined.com):

A parent finds this child and the mess and yells "YOU ARE A BAD GIRL FOR THIS" The parent meant that the action was bad, but the child hears that they (as a person) are bad.  These kinds of wounds add up, and VOILA! everyone becomes isolated, frustrated and sad.   womp womp.

Heres the good news: with some savy new skills, you can correct many of these mistakes on your own- no therapist needed!

Here are four simple tips:

1. Don't assume anything.

ASK if what you are hearing is what they mean. Before you expend emotional energy, clarify if you are hearing their message in the intended way.

2. Stop yelling and slow down the pace of the conversation

Yelling rarely ends well. Fast yelling is worse. Fight fairly, don't say stuff just to hurt the other person. Even if you think you are justified in "repaying" the hurt they caused you or you hurt them in efforts to show them how much they hurt you, control yourself. It really is unhelpful. Take breaks. Break up really hard conversations into smaller pieces. And PLEASE don't hash it out late at night. No fighting past 11 pm!

3. Be an active listener

Listen closely, repeat back what you think you heard. Give eye contact. Test your understanding. Look interested.

4. Put aside your defensiveness and/or bad attitude.

Bad attitudes suck, and inhibit progress. Choose to rise above the self indulgence of negativity. The End.

The purpose of defensiveness is to protect yourself. However, your wall will block things coming in, and also things coming out. Defensiveness occurs when a person feels vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to real emotional intimacy. Intimacy is a fear filled topic for many many people. In summary, being defensive blocks the ways a person needs to hear and give clear communication.

So, what you say through words, body language or situations provides a constant flow of information that other people pick up and interpret. If you want to improve your communication with another person keep in mind the four tips above. And most importantly, remember that communication takes practice...you won't get it right all the time, but it's a solvable problem. With an open mind, and a humbled spirit, you can improve the way you deliver and receive messages to the people around you.

Resting

This weekend I had the opportunity to leave busy city life and head to the tranquil beaches of the Eastern Shore of Virginia for a retreat with the women of the Church I attend.  (read: this blog post will contain perspectives from my own spiritual worldview...  even if we don't share the same ideas,  I hope you still appreciate the point of this topic.)

We went to the little strip of land on the far side of the Chesapeake Bay. Notice there are no city names on the map in that area. That is how small/uninhabited it is.  In fact the directions to the camp said "Turn left at the Roses." There was no street name, just a landmark of one low-end department store. There were no cell towers or March Madness or blogging. There were only cabins, and woods, and women.

We gathered to learn about the topic of Rest. Initially, I felt that this topic was cliche and I was mostly unmotivated by the thought of some speaker talking to me about how my busy world needs to look a little more like life in rural Lancaster, PA.  (I just tried to find a great picture of the Amish culture, and I couldn't! I then realized that they don't use cameras...but I did find this. Maybe this is as funny to you as it is to me?)

Because lets be honest, when you put away your cell phone, Facebook, and reality TV what else is there to do but engage in thenameofthatcity!

Rest is all about relationships, folks! (grin).

I want to share some things I learned about myself this weekend...

But first, a little psychology!

Every person needs rest.  If you don't sleep, you will die - eventually.  Lack of sleep causes increased risk of health problems like cardiovascular disease, Type II diabetes and psychological problems. Extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis. Sleep disorders like narcolepsy, sleep apnea and insomnia are serious problems.

Sleep debt (official term) reduces the brain's ability to perform high level cognitive functioning. Specifically, this occurs in the frontal lobe of the brain and is referred to as "executive functioning."

Executive functioning is not exactly this:

But it IS the ability to make decisions, plan, select sensory information, work with information, and have mental flexibility. These are all really important things for health and life.  The amount of sleep required varies with age. Newborns can sleep up to 20 hours a days, while most healthy adults require sleep in the range of 7-9 hours. Do you get enough sleep?

Humans are the unique because we have to choose to rest. Animals just find a spot and lay down when they are tired.

Physical rest is just one part of the picture. Rest is also emotional and spiritual too. Our hearts need rest. We live in this amazing culture of technology which provides us so many conveniences, but at what cost?

Ask yourself:
Do I rest at all?
What does my rest look like?
Does my work have boundaries?
Am I as committed to rest as I am to work?
Do I "earn" my rest through completed work?

If you are like me, you are probably overly distracted, constantly multitasking, swept away by the demand of daily tasks... and tired.

It's not that daily work is a bad thing, it's that our response to work as a result of our emotional needs can be less than ideal. In the end, we can truly be our own worst enemy.

The fourth commandment says: "Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy."  First of all, a commandment is pretty serious business. Second, I can honestly admit that I have not thought about this commandment... ever. God took his own advice during creation and rested on the seventh day.

Painted by Michelangelo in 1512, this is the image on the beautiful Sistine Chapel that depicts day 6 (creation of man) and day 7 (God rested).

If you view God as your Holy Father, then consider that a parent commands a child to do something for their own good. It is not out of power and control, but about the knowledge of a need.

So, resting the mind is important. But how often do we actually practice this by making choices that allow us time and space to rest? Maybe you (like me) always blame circumstances. And there is truth in your justification - you will always have something important to do!

Resting is an art, not chemistry.  Legalism would tell us that Sabbath rest requires you to do nothing. But legalism isn't that cool and it always sets us up for failure. We're not perfect, and we never will be.
And besides, my faith tells me that my worth is not based on my performance (big sigh of relief).

Resting is really about ceasing. We don't cease our work because we are addicted to the gratification we receive from accomplishment. These feelings reveal the nature of our hearts. You may do work to meet any number of needs: financial, altruistic, emotional, necessity, etc...I know that when I do work, I feel good about myself. But when I fail to meet goals, I realize that I actually feel shame. I find that my ability to accomplish tasks is a way to earn my own validation. I am foolishly attempting to find my value in checking off my to-do list. I meet my own need of approval with show after show of tangible competence.

There is good news my friends - our need for rest reminds us that work will always be there and that you don't have to do it all.  At some point we need to put it down and trust that the One who created us knows what we need. You have to sleep. You have to take a break from work. Most importantly, you have to create space for relationships. Make room for your own thoughts. Stop numbing your mind and distracting your soul. Take a long deep breath and realize your limitations. You won't ever be able to do it all. Silence that voice of condemnation that reminds you of all the things you haven't done.  

The Chinese pictograph of "busy" is literally two characters placed together. Look at this image:

"Busy" is made up of "Heart" and "Death."     um...wow.

Is this why you lack joy ? Are you killing your heart by keeping busy? Are you feeding your ego through your drug of self-reliance?  I know that I continually strive for ultimate efficiency (I had two babies at one time people, how ironic!). Sometimes I think that if I just organized a little more, made an awesome plan and executed it with perfection, I would be happy. What a lie!

And, I'm sure like you, I'm never really refreshed by work - even the good work. The truth is that I am only refreshed by rest.  I am learning to set it down, embrace rest and let stuff go long enough to rest. I am learning to ignore my own feelings of failure when something goes undone and I hold tight to the promise that rest is necessary and vital to my body, mind and soul.

Do yourself a favor and join me.




*(Big thanks to Stacy Bartholomew for the great message this weekend!  Many parts of this post were inspired by your fabulous teaching!)

Cognitive Dissonance

 

Look closely friends. The weird feeling you are experiencing as your brain processes the meaning of the image above is called cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive= thoughts

Dissonance= disagreement, incongruity

Sometimes in life, we have experiences or come across information that just does not make sense. Here is another example:

 

How about this one?

Real life cognitive dissonance is powerful because unlike the simple pictures above, it activates emotions. The examples above are just silly pictures, but in the world, when we experience something about a person or relationship that conflicts with what we think we know about that person/relationship, we get confused. Sometimes this confusion even motivates us to do things to compensate for the resulting negative feelings. At its worst, Cognitive disosnance can land us in places we hoped we would never be.

Let's back up for a second and talk about assumptions. Each day you walk around the world making infinite assumptions about your environment. Some are helpful, like :

(always assume the need to look before crossing the road!)


Some assumptions are not helpful:  "When are you due? ....oh... you're...not. sorry. "

As humans we tend to favor information that confirms and supports what we assume, regardless of the actual validity of the info. This is called confirmation bias and its one way that we avoid cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance feels bad. Its an unpleasant psychological arousal caused by conflicting information within ones mind. Think about betrayal. Most everyone has had an experience where you discovered someone close to you had done something that warranted mistrust from you, but you struggled with how to make sense of it because you thought they were trustable. You ask yourself: wait, was it just that one time? maybe there is a logical explanation? is this person actually bad even though you thought you knew them to be good?  so confusing...

As humans, we pursue harmony and satisfaction. We like to be happy.  Therefore, we resist and reduce dissonance through avenues such as denial, justification, and blame.


Carrots are healthy! (denial)

Our brain is so wired to resist this confusion we typically go to many lengths to even prevent it. Can you think of a person in complete denial about something harmful in their life? A classic example is the deeply substance addicted individual.  Their refusal to seek sobriety is often due, at the core,  to the inability to accept their personal failures because they cannot tolerate the negative emotions that reality imposes.

A recent ARTICLE about "the face of meth users" follow drug users across a span of 10 years to document the horrific physical effects of drug use:

 

Take a second and  look into your mental mirror. Its likely that you don't see a face like the one above, but do you see or feel cognitive dissonance in your own life?  Think about that habit that you just can't kick, or the relationship that really gets under your skin. How about the discussion that really ticks you off?  What is it about that specific thing that makes you uncomfortable? If you examine it honestly you can probably start to identify where the core issue lies.

Minimizing cognitive dissonance in your life will definitely reduce negative emotions, and bring you peace. But- you have to be honest with yourself and work through that natural resistance to ignore and deny the stuff that makes you feel a little crazy.

The GOOD ENOUGH Mother

In case you don't have personal experience, I'd like to personally announce that parenthood is really really hard. Some days suck. Some days are really amazing.  Glad we cleared that up.

When you bring home a baby, undoubtedly you say to yourself or your partner... "GEE, if only there was an owners manual for this this tiny little human whom I brought into existence... then all would be right in the world."

Fortunately or maybe unfortunately, each one of us does actually come with some preinstalled parenting software.

You may want to sit down, because JUSTINCASE this is news to you, your manual was actually installed by your very own mother/father/media/whomever raised you.   you still breathing? (just checking..)

So, when the infants cry all night long

and the toddlers cover themselves in food day after day

The  kids whine "I want it and I want it now!"

The teenagers scream "I hate you! This house is a *&#$! prison!.. but first could you drive me and Sally to the mall?" 

 and the college kids call to inform you that they are "having so much fun at college!"

You may think to yourself "where have I gone wrong?"  or "Am I a good parent?" 

Personally, I've only been a parent for about 700 days, so I'm relatively new still but I may have asked myself this question about half of these days.

There is a psychological concept actually called "The Good Enough Mother." This was developed from Donald Winnicott a British physician later turned psychiatrist whose prime was in the days of psychoanalysis  (Think Freud: lie on the couch and tell me all your dreams time frame). Note: this is a complicated topic, but for reading enjoyment I will summarize and simplify the factors involved. People have written decades long research and dissertations on this topic... I will not be doing that today.

The good enough Mother adapts and responds to the child's needs, thus teaching the child that he/she has some sense of control over their caregiver, which eventually builds comfort and trust of the mother. Feminist psychologists step in here and say that a child becomes attached to the the breast more than the mother. Side Note: A long time ago, when Enfamil didn't make cute yellow topped tins of formula decorated with tiny teddy bears, the death/loss of a mother actually often resulted in death to an infant. See: Maternal Deprivation.

but I digress...

So the interactions between mother and child really do matter, they teach us how to respond and what to expect of the world around us. It turns out that if you actually are:

you might be modeling irrational and impossible behaviors that could confuse them into thinking that their imperfections make them not good enough, or even unlovable.  Hello, shame. How I havenot missed you.


In other words, your failure to adapt to every single need of your child actually builds independence and adaptation to the reality that the world is a harsh place. Failure = Good.  that feels so wierd, I know. 

A good enough mother meets her child's needs but BALANCES her response to the child (in age appropriate ways, duh). She does not run herself ragged trying to perform well enough for love and acceptance from her kids or spouse. She makes mistakes, she apologizes. She has emotions, she works hard. She is real.  So when the going gets tough and you wonder if you are good enough. Give yourself a break. You are.

Teaching our kids that we are real and not just robotic June Cleavers is what is really important because after all, we're not raising kids, we're actually raising adults.