How to Help Someone Change

Think of a person in your life that you would really like to change. Is it your spouse, or parent? Is it your child? Maybe it is a friend.  Regardless, I know that no one can say that there isn't someone you wouldnt mind changing- even just a little.

Change is hard, and some people even believe it can't happen. What do you believe? Can a person permanently change?

Changing another person is even harder.  Moreover, its practically impossible in most cases. I can't even tell you how many times I have heard people say to me "If only he would...." We are so quick to BLAME others for problems in our own life.

So, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Ok, I'll give you the good news first:  You can help someone change.

Now, the bad news: It may require you to do some work.

So people exist in systems. Which means that a person does not exist outside of a community.  Community being defined as the people or livings things that exist with or around a person. Your community may look like:

 A.) you and a cat

B.) Family: "Happy holidays from The Tannenbaum's!"

C.) Friends that you have loved since good ol' days and globe trot with. 

You get my point right? It does not matter who/what it is, you have a system. (If you are living on a deserted island with only a volleyball for a friend, then you can stop reading now. If thats not you, then keep going- this really does apply to you.)

Getting a person to change a behavior, requires you to actually take a moment and examine the behavioral interactions. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (ha)

This old psychology guy figured out that a dog can predict behaviors by picking up on cues and EXPECTING a sequence of events to occur and recur.

Do you live your life expecting someone to act a certain way? Are you tired of your mother in law passive aggressively complaining about you? Are you sick of your child pimping you out for "stuff." Do you continually assume your mate is headed down that same awful road, again?

Lets take a classic example, the enabling parent/child relationship.  If a parent bails a kid out over and over again, the child learns to EXPECT that the parents won't allow natural and uncomfortable consequences to occur, therefore placing the responsibility BACK onto the parent. Before you experienced parents get your pantiesinabunch, I know tough love is hard, and not always appropriate. You have to use some judgement and consider when it might be a useful tool for a child who is learning life skills.  Denying a child, or anyone for that matter something they really want, can end up making you LOOK LIKE the bad guy. But, the truth is that you can't always be the good guy. Being the bad guy does not mean you don't love someone, it just means you have limits.

So, when does "helping" turn into enabling? And if you are sick and tired of fixing your kids ( or your spouses, or your co-workers) problems, the why not pass the ball back.

(hint: ball back in their court)

• Your child only seems to love you when you buy them something: put away the credit card and dive back into the relationship. 
• Your husband won't stop yelling at you when he is stressed out: walk away until he calms down.
• Your toddler demands you rock him to sleep: help him learn to self-soothe through controlled crying. 
• You are burned out and can't take on another project at work: say no when asked to do the next extra thing. 
• Your friend seems to call you when she needs something, but you can't find her when you are in need: tell her how you feel and ask for a change.

Bottom line: we can't change people, but we can change ourselves so that a problem cannot be maintained. It takes some courage, and the ability to tolerate some negative emotion from the person whom you may be disappointing. You may surprise people with your changes, but they will have no choice but to adjust their own behaviors. It's not about manipulating for the sake of being tricky, its about taking control over what you can and making changes for yourself. 

Find your voice, draw your boundaries and watch what happens. 

What We Say Isn't Always What We Mean

When a couple shows up in my office for their first session they usually look like this:

9 times out of 10 the couple reports that "communication" is a major problem in their relationship. I hear things like: "we just don't see eye to eye..." or "I have no idea what to do with what she says." or "I can't deal with the crying..." or "Why won't he talk to me?"

This can be a really frustrating issue and over time slowly erodes their relationship. It's a problem that requires attention, maintenance and most importantly: understanding. If left unattended a rogue communication problem will result in someone who eventually resembles:

This may show up on the outside, or stay stuffed on the inside. Either way, its bad.

Lets review two basic things we take for granted:
1. We live in a state of perpetual communication.  Look around you right now. If you see another human, observe them for a second and see if they are "telling" you anything.

2. As humans we have three main methods of communication:
  
Talking. In person, or on the phone.  Remember these phones?

Body language. The way we posture our bodies tells others what we are usually thinking but not saying. What is Bella saying in this picture?

Situations. This one is more abstract, but we allow ourselves to participate in situations that communicate information to other people. This picture is sad, but illustrates my point.  Some adult brought this child to eat food that is unhealthy.  Therefore, the adult is communicating to the child any number of things (such as)  "I will give you whatever you want" or "I don't really care about your health as much as I enjoy trying to satisfy your appetite"

So, in light of knowing that we communicate in words, body language and situations. Communication problems between two people are far more complex than the he said/she said stuff.

When you are having relationship problems because you can't seem to actually have a productive conversation, Realize: One thing is said, but another thing is heard.  The problem isn't that two people can't communicate.... its that they don't understand the other persons code!

This thing actually has a name, and its call Meta Communication. In other words, what people say or do has meaning on different levels.

Think about the relationships in your life. Can you think of a person who you really struggle to communicate with? Maybe it's your spouse (I'm raising my own hand right now!), or maybe a parent, child or friend.

When a relationship is complex, things said between two people sometimes feel like hidden messages, and this can be a huge source of emotional pain.

Hidden message are occasionally intentional, but are usually unintentional. A great example of this can be found in the topic of parenting using shame. Imagine this (thank you www.shitmykidsruined.com):

A parent finds this child and the mess and yells "YOU ARE A BAD GIRL FOR THIS" The parent meant that the action was bad, but the child hears that they (as a person) are bad.  These kinds of wounds add up, and VOILA! everyone becomes isolated, frustrated and sad.   womp womp.

Heres the good news: with some savy new skills, you can correct many of these mistakes on your own- no therapist needed!

Here are four simple tips:

1. Don't assume anything.

ASK if what you are hearing is what they mean. Before you expend emotional energy, clarify if you are hearing their message in the intended way.

2. Stop yelling and slow down the pace of the conversation

Yelling rarely ends well. Fast yelling is worse. Fight fairly, don't say stuff just to hurt the other person. Even if you think you are justified in "repaying" the hurt they caused you or you hurt them in efforts to show them how much they hurt you, control yourself. It really is unhelpful. Take breaks. Break up really hard conversations into smaller pieces. And PLEASE don't hash it out late at night. No fighting past 11 pm!

3. Be an active listener

Listen closely, repeat back what you think you heard. Give eye contact. Test your understanding. Look interested.

4. Put aside your defensiveness and/or bad attitude.

Bad attitudes suck, and inhibit progress. Choose to rise above the self indulgence of negativity. The End.

The purpose of defensiveness is to protect yourself. However, your wall will block things coming in, and also things coming out. Defensiveness occurs when a person feels vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to real emotional intimacy. Intimacy is a fear filled topic for many many people. In summary, being defensive blocks the ways a person needs to hear and give clear communication.

So, what you say through words, body language or situations provides a constant flow of information that other people pick up and interpret. If you want to improve your communication with another person keep in mind the four tips above. And most importantly, remember that communication takes practice...you won't get it right all the time, but it's a solvable problem. With an open mind, and a humbled spirit, you can improve the way you deliver and receive messages to the people around you.

Resting

This weekend I had the opportunity to leave busy city life and head to the tranquil beaches of the Eastern Shore of Virginia for a retreat with the women of the Church I attend.  (read: this blog post will contain perspectives from my own spiritual worldview...  even if we don't share the same ideas,  I hope you still appreciate the point of this topic.)

We went to the little strip of land on the far side of the Chesapeake Bay. Notice there are no city names on the map in that area. That is how small/uninhabited it is.  In fact the directions to the camp said "Turn left at the Roses." There was no street name, just a landmark of one low-end department store. There were no cell towers or March Madness or blogging. There were only cabins, and woods, and women.

We gathered to learn about the topic of Rest. Initially, I felt that this topic was cliche and I was mostly unmotivated by the thought of some speaker talking to me about how my busy world needs to look a little more like life in rural Lancaster, PA.  (I just tried to find a great picture of the Amish culture, and I couldn't! I then realized that they don't use cameras...but I did find this. Maybe this is as funny to you as it is to me?)

Because lets be honest, when you put away your cell phone, Facebook, and reality TV what else is there to do but engage in thenameofthatcity!

Rest is all about relationships, folks! (grin).

I want to share some things I learned about myself this weekend...

But first, a little psychology!

Every person needs rest.  If you don't sleep, you will die - eventually.  Lack of sleep causes increased risk of health problems like cardiovascular disease, Type II diabetes and psychological problems. Extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis. Sleep disorders like narcolepsy, sleep apnea and insomnia are serious problems.

Sleep debt (official term) reduces the brain's ability to perform high level cognitive functioning. Specifically, this occurs in the frontal lobe of the brain and is referred to as "executive functioning."

Executive functioning is not exactly this:

But it IS the ability to make decisions, plan, select sensory information, work with information, and have mental flexibility. These are all really important things for health and life.  The amount of sleep required varies with age. Newborns can sleep up to 20 hours a days, while most healthy adults require sleep in the range of 7-9 hours. Do you get enough sleep?

Humans are the unique because we have to choose to rest. Animals just find a spot and lay down when they are tired.

Physical rest is just one part of the picture. Rest is also emotional and spiritual too. Our hearts need rest. We live in this amazing culture of technology which provides us so many conveniences, but at what cost?

Ask yourself:
Do I rest at all?
What does my rest look like?
Does my work have boundaries?
Am I as committed to rest as I am to work?
Do I "earn" my rest through completed work?

If you are like me, you are probably overly distracted, constantly multitasking, swept away by the demand of daily tasks... and tired.

It's not that daily work is a bad thing, it's that our response to work as a result of our emotional needs can be less than ideal. In the end, we can truly be our own worst enemy.

The fourth commandment says: "Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy."  First of all, a commandment is pretty serious business. Second, I can honestly admit that I have not thought about this commandment... ever. God took his own advice during creation and rested on the seventh day.

Painted by Michelangelo in 1512, this is the image on the beautiful Sistine Chapel that depicts day 6 (creation of man) and day 7 (God rested).

If you view God as your Holy Father, then consider that a parent commands a child to do something for their own good. It is not out of power and control, but about the knowledge of a need.

So, resting the mind is important. But how often do we actually practice this by making choices that allow us time and space to rest? Maybe you (like me) always blame circumstances. And there is truth in your justification - you will always have something important to do!

Resting is an art, not chemistry.  Legalism would tell us that Sabbath rest requires you to do nothing. But legalism isn't that cool and it always sets us up for failure. We're not perfect, and we never will be.
And besides, my faith tells me that my worth is not based on my performance (big sigh of relief).

Resting is really about ceasing. We don't cease our work because we are addicted to the gratification we receive from accomplishment. These feelings reveal the nature of our hearts. You may do work to meet any number of needs: financial, altruistic, emotional, necessity, etc...I know that when I do work, I feel good about myself. But when I fail to meet goals, I realize that I actually feel shame. I find that my ability to accomplish tasks is a way to earn my own validation. I am foolishly attempting to find my value in checking off my to-do list. I meet my own need of approval with show after show of tangible competence.

There is good news my friends - our need for rest reminds us that work will always be there and that you don't have to do it all.  At some point we need to put it down and trust that the One who created us knows what we need. You have to sleep. You have to take a break from work. Most importantly, you have to create space for relationships. Make room for your own thoughts. Stop numbing your mind and distracting your soul. Take a long deep breath and realize your limitations. You won't ever be able to do it all. Silence that voice of condemnation that reminds you of all the things you haven't done.  

The Chinese pictograph of "busy" is literally two characters placed together. Look at this image:

"Busy" is made up of "Heart" and "Death."     um...wow.

Is this why you lack joy ? Are you killing your heart by keeping busy? Are you feeding your ego through your drug of self-reliance?  I know that I continually strive for ultimate efficiency (I had two babies at one time people, how ironic!). Sometimes I think that if I just organized a little more, made an awesome plan and executed it with perfection, I would be happy. What a lie!

And, I'm sure like you, I'm never really refreshed by work - even the good work. The truth is that I am only refreshed by rest.  I am learning to set it down, embrace rest and let stuff go long enough to rest. I am learning to ignore my own feelings of failure when something goes undone and I hold tight to the promise that rest is necessary and vital to my body, mind and soul.

Do yourself a favor and join me.




*(Big thanks to Stacy Bartholomew for the great message this weekend!  Many parts of this post were inspired by your fabulous teaching!)

Cognitive Dissonance

 

Look closely friends. The weird feeling you are experiencing as your brain processes the meaning of the image above is called cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive= thoughts

Dissonance= disagreement, incongruity

Sometimes in life, we have experiences or come across information that just does not make sense. Here is another example:

 

How about this one?

Real life cognitive dissonance is powerful because unlike the simple pictures above, it activates emotions. The examples above are just silly pictures, but in the world, when we experience something about a person or relationship that conflicts with what we think we know about that person/relationship, we get confused. Sometimes this confusion even motivates us to do things to compensate for the resulting negative feelings. At its worst, Cognitive disosnance can land us in places we hoped we would never be.

Let's back up for a second and talk about assumptions. Each day you walk around the world making infinite assumptions about your environment. Some are helpful, like :

(always assume the need to look before crossing the road!)


Some assumptions are not helpful:  "When are you due? ....oh... you're...not. sorry. "

As humans we tend to favor information that confirms and supports what we assume, regardless of the actual validity of the info. This is called confirmation bias and its one way that we avoid cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance feels bad. Its an unpleasant psychological arousal caused by conflicting information within ones mind. Think about betrayal. Most everyone has had an experience where you discovered someone close to you had done something that warranted mistrust from you, but you struggled with how to make sense of it because you thought they were trustable. You ask yourself: wait, was it just that one time? maybe there is a logical explanation? is this person actually bad even though you thought you knew them to be good?  so confusing...

As humans, we pursue harmony and satisfaction. We like to be happy.  Therefore, we resist and reduce dissonance through avenues such as denial, justification, and blame.


Carrots are healthy! (denial)

Our brain is so wired to resist this confusion we typically go to many lengths to even prevent it. Can you think of a person in complete denial about something harmful in their life? A classic example is the deeply substance addicted individual.  Their refusal to seek sobriety is often due, at the core,  to the inability to accept their personal failures because they cannot tolerate the negative emotions that reality imposes.

A recent ARTICLE about "the face of meth users" follow drug users across a span of 10 years to document the horrific physical effects of drug use:

 

Take a second and  look into your mental mirror. Its likely that you don't see a face like the one above, but do you see or feel cognitive dissonance in your own life?  Think about that habit that you just can't kick, or the relationship that really gets under your skin. How about the discussion that really ticks you off?  What is it about that specific thing that makes you uncomfortable? If you examine it honestly you can probably start to identify where the core issue lies.

Minimizing cognitive dissonance in your life will definitely reduce negative emotions, and bring you peace. But- you have to be honest with yourself and work through that natural resistance to ignore and deny the stuff that makes you feel a little crazy.

The GOOD ENOUGH Mother

In case you don't have personal experience, I'd like to personally announce that parenthood is really really hard. Some days suck. Some days are really amazing.  Glad we cleared that up.

When you bring home a baby, undoubtedly you say to yourself or your partner... "GEE, if only there was an owners manual for this this tiny little human whom I brought into existence... then all would be right in the world."

Fortunately or maybe unfortunately, each one of us does actually come with some preinstalled parenting software.

You may want to sit down, because JUSTINCASE this is news to you, your manual was actually installed by your very own mother/father/media/whomever raised you.   you still breathing? (just checking..)

So, when the infants cry all night long

and the toddlers cover themselves in food day after day

The  kids whine "I want it and I want it now!"

The teenagers scream "I hate you! This house is a *&#$! prison!.. but first could you drive me and Sally to the mall?" 

 and the college kids call to inform you that they are "having so much fun at college!"

You may think to yourself "where have I gone wrong?"  or "Am I a good parent?" 

Personally, I've only been a parent for about 700 days, so I'm relatively new still but I may have asked myself this question about half of these days.

There is a psychological concept actually called "The Good Enough Mother." This was developed from Donald Winnicott a British physician later turned psychiatrist whose prime was in the days of psychoanalysis  (Think Freud: lie on the couch and tell me all your dreams time frame). Note: this is a complicated topic, but for reading enjoyment I will summarize and simplify the factors involved. People have written decades long research and dissertations on this topic... I will not be doing that today.

The good enough Mother adapts and responds to the child's needs, thus teaching the child that he/she has some sense of control over their caregiver, which eventually builds comfort and trust of the mother. Feminist psychologists step in here and say that a child becomes attached to the the breast more than the mother. Side Note: A long time ago, when Enfamil didn't make cute yellow topped tins of formula decorated with tiny teddy bears, the death/loss of a mother actually often resulted in death to an infant. See: Maternal Deprivation.

but I digress...

So the interactions between mother and child really do matter, they teach us how to respond and what to expect of the world around us. It turns out that if you actually are:

you might be modeling irrational and impossible behaviors that could confuse them into thinking that their imperfections make them not good enough, or even unlovable.  Hello, shame. How I havenot missed you.


In other words, your failure to adapt to every single need of your child actually builds independence and adaptation to the reality that the world is a harsh place. Failure = Good.  that feels so wierd, I know. 

A good enough mother meets her child's needs but BALANCES her response to the child (in age appropriate ways, duh). She does not run herself ragged trying to perform well enough for love and acceptance from her kids or spouse. She makes mistakes, she apologizes. She has emotions, she works hard. She is real.  So when the going gets tough and you wonder if you are good enough. Give yourself a break. You are.

Teaching our kids that we are real and not just robotic June Cleavers is what is really important because after all, we're not raising kids, we're actually raising adults.

The Fundamental Attribution Error

This is a fun one, trust me!

First, go dust off your Psych 101 or Social Psych textbooks, if you want.

It has a big long name, but its an offense that I am positive you have committed in your life. It comes from the world of Social Psychology (my personal favorite) which attempts to study and observe relationships between people and within groups of people.

The Fundamental Attribution Error (I shall refer to is as FAE from here on out, because I feel like it) is when a person draws a conclusion about an observed action/ behavior of someone else by overvaluing personality based information and undervaluing situational influences.

This is a funny (and helpful) chart I found HERE

So, in plain English, we blame people's personalities for stuff more than we should.

It's understandable, because we all find some of the people in our life annoying/notthatsmart/self-absorbed/flaky/etc...  We use the FAE to reinforce our own ideas about people and their actions to ourselves.

One time I got really ticked off at one of my toddlers because she would NOT put her new shoes on. She was whining and throwing the shoe, insisting she wasn't gonna do it. I kept thinking to myself:      "are you kids trying to KILL ME with this attitude. b.r.a.t. ugh... just do what I tell you, please!!! wah wah wah. poor me... blah blah blah...."

Well, as it turns out, I didn't take out the paper that was stuffed inside the toe part of the shoe.  duh....Mother of the year right here folks!!!  It wasn't her disposition at all, it was in fact due to the careless mistake of, yours truly, me. 

I'm guessing that the old addage, "don't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes"  may come from this idea too.  So, next time you find yourself feeling negative feelings, or any feelings at all towards someone, for that matter... stop and take a second to consider BOTH their personality and the situation. Then draw your conclusions. It may save you some time and emotion.

Has this ever happened to you? Please share!


 

This is my life.

Really, this is my life.
I have been on the journey to becoming a psychologist for more than 10 years now. I went to four years of college first, then I headed straight into grad school. That adventure was 4 more years of year round classroom and clinical work. The 5th and final year was an internship out in the real world (AKA: work really hard for less than minimum wage) which was made more exciting by the gestating and arrival of our twins. I took more than one whole year off from the biz to be at home with my babies, all while painfully finishing my dissertation over the course of 6 months.

If you have ever thought about becoming a psychologist, click HERE for a hilarious and accurate description of the oh-so-fun process.

My job is really interesting. I get the privilege of being let into people's private struggles. I hear about hopes and dreams, heartbreak and shame. I listen to unbelievable stories of courage and terrible stories of abuse. I measure people's emotion and brain functioning and help clients solve lots of types of problems.

The therapy room is sacred ground. I don't take it lightly. In fact, this job I have is hard, and burdensome sometimes. But it is my calling. It's what I was created to do. I know this because it feels so natural (FYI- natural does not equal easy...) My brain is wired to to listen and process, helping to detect the areas where a person might have emotional hang-ups or wounds. Sometimes, I get tired and I often struggle to turn "it" off (ask my husband about how he feels about that topic!).

What I truly know at this point is that the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. I know that even though I've been doing this for some time now, and that I have thousands of hours of experience,  I sometimes have days where I feel like a novice.  Will I always feel like that?  This blog is equally about how I am personally walking through this journey as much as it will be about interesting and fun psychology topics.

Being a psychotherapist is not magic or mysterious. It is me and my clients unpacking and processing life, 50 minutes at a time.

I hope that as I share my thoughts with you, you will find more empathy for others, more understanding of pain and more tolerance for the human condition that we all share equally.